If you think this only happens in the movies you are wrong.
There’s probably someone you know who is suffering from this.
I have always thought this would never happen to me. That I would never allow a man to raise a hand at me.
However it happen to my best friend, and therefore it hit very close to home. It did happen to me.
I met Joan when I worked as a “temp” for an airline.
The first time I saw her I thought she was an amazing person. So full of life, so funny, every second of the day she spent it in a very good mood. We laughed together all day long. Very smart and hard working.
A petit size woman. Being 5 months pregnant with her second child, she didn’t weigh more than 100 pounds. Very light colored skin.
I thought she had everything going for herself. Until one day. I went into the office early and found her on the phone. Crying, covered with heavy clothes from head to toe. I waited until she got off the phone to ask her what was wrong. She was embarrassed. She didn’t want to look at me. I got the hint and went back to my desk. However I had grown to love this friend and I could not let her sit and cry without me offering some kind of help. She finally hanged up the phone and I asked what was wrong. She didn’t want to tell me but I was finally able to get it out of her. She told me her husband had a bad temper. And sometimes lost his temper and let it out on her. And that the night before it had happened. Only this time she was pregnant and she was worried something could have happen to the baby.
HIS baby.
I couldn’t quiet understand what was happening. I couldn’t believe a situation that I had only seen in movies was developing in front of my eyes. My brain wasn’t processing this.
She proceeded to pull her pants up and that’s when it hit me. Blue and green spots on her legs, her arms and her back appeared before my eyes. This coward kicked her in places that she could actually cover.
Her cousin said this time she needed to go to the police. She was shaking. I had never seen anyone shake like this before. She feared him so much. He had threatened to kill her if she went to the authorities. She went anyway.
This is how it started. And this is how I became involved.
Days passed and I learned he had gotten out of jail and was living at Joan’s home again. She was washing and ironing his clothes, and basically paying all the bills. Since he had such an “unstable and low paying job” someone had to do it.
Of course the money he made wasn’t enough to support two families at the same time his and his lover’s family. He had been having an affair with this woman for over a year. Which my friend knew about, but tried to “not pay attention” .Every time she confronted him about it he would slap her around a “little bit” so she decided it was best not to mention it. Besides, every time he did, he later apologized. He even cried sometimes. He begged for forgiveness and swore he would “never” do it again. Only that “never” was coming more often than before, and my friend was starting to develop marks in her body that showed it.
She stopped telling me about the almost “everyday” beatings and only told me about the “substantial” ones. Every time I insisted she should leave him. I told her I would be with her every step of the way. But she was afraid. And she had become codependent on him.
The disease:
It’s hard for me to understand that a man that hits a woman is sick in some way.
However I have come to understand that the woman being abused (either verbally or physically) is sick.
Her sickness is called “codependency” they get to a point where they believe everything these cowards tell them: “you not worthy of anyone” “you wouldn’t survive without me” “you are fat and ugly, no one is going to want you” and the list goes on and on, and they start to believe is actually true.
These women believe these lies. They actually think that they are not worthy of better treatment, they start to think that it’s OK to get beaten. It was their fault. They provoked him. They deserved it.
After a while of thinking this way it’s very hard to bestow self confidence in them again. It’s a lot of hard work. But at the end, if you achieve it it’s well worth it. You might have saved a life.
The low point:
Just as alcoholics and drug addicts have to touch bottom to realize they can’t continue living like this; it’s the beating that almost kills them, the one that finally gets some of these women’s attention and gives them the strength to leave their abusers.
I remember 3 incidents in my friend’s life that will always have an impact on my life:
It was a late afternoon in January. When I get a phone call from Joan’s older son. He was 12 at the time. He said “you need to come right away, my dad hit mom so bad she is at the bottom of the stairs and she is bleeding”, I couldn’t hang up the phone fast enough. I wished my car had wings to fly and get there sooner. She was 8 months pregnant and I knew this was not going to be good.
We were able to get to the hospital soon enough for her to make an emergency delivery. She delivered a beautiful baby girl who weight 4 pounds. She spent some time in the incubator and was finally released. She is now a beautiful, smart and strong willed 5 year old girl!
The second incident, I got a phone call from Joan. Early one morning. I knew her so well. I knew from the tone of her voice there was something wrong. I tried to ask what was wrong and suddenly we got cut off. Our boss cared for her so much he even had a security company install a “panic button” in her nightstand. I called the security company and asked them if by any chance that button had been pressed. They said no. However the head of security knew about Joan’s situation so he offered to send someone over to check on her. No answer. I became so nervous. I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t able to find her. I went over to her house, only to find her front door opened and no one inside. I knew something was wrong. As I was driving home she finally calls back (its 10pm) she tells me how her ex husband had kidnapped her and the children and had taken them to a far away farm to beat her up and threaten to kill her if she continued with the divorce procedure. All of this while he children watched.
Of course after this incident she went back to him and dropped all law suits. However rock bottom didn’t take long to hit.
New Year’s Eve. Joan and her kids, aunt and cousins decide to spend New Year’s at a resort at the beach. Her husband shows up. They have an unusual good day but at night the beast gets loose. He starts beating her up for no reason. Next morning she gets up, packs the kids and decides she wants to return home. However he decides they will all return that same day. He gets the kids in the car and starts driving at 100 miles an hour, leaving Joan to ride in the car behind.
Joan is watching from behind how this maniac is driving her children to a possible accident.
They get home. Were he proceeds to beat her even more. This time her family is in the house and they all try to get in and help. However he ends up beating everyone, including an older aunt.
He finally leaves the house at the threat that they are calling the authorities.
She leaves the house.
Finally she realizes that this is it. She needs to leave him before he kills her.
She hides in a relative’s house. Then one day when we know he is not home, we go and pack everything. The house is a mess. He has cut her underwear into tiny little pieces. He wrote on all mirrors and bedroom walls “I’m going to kill you bitch” with red lipstick. He trashed her car, sliced her tires and car interiors.
However all of this only gave us proof on the civil law suit we later filed.
She rented a house. We filed all possible law suits. And up to date have won every one of them. She is now legally divorced. Her children are growing up in a healthy environment. Her little girl is too young to remember any of it. Joan is genuinely happy and has recovered her life. He on the other hand was found guilty of battery and is now serving 4 years in prison. Sole custody of the children was given to Joan, and guess who is afraid of coming near her again? That’s right, she has the power now. This is a success story. This is a story that shows it CAN be done. You don’t have to keep putting up with it. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment. You can do it.
There’s probably someone you know who is suffering from this.
I have always thought this would never happen to me. That I would never allow a man to raise a hand at me.
However it happen to my best friend, and therefore it hit very close to home. It did happen to me.
I met Joan when I worked as a “temp” for an airline.
The first time I saw her I thought she was an amazing person. So full of life, so funny, every second of the day she spent it in a very good mood. We laughed together all day long. Very smart and hard working.
A petit size woman. Being 5 months pregnant with her second child, she didn’t weigh more than 100 pounds. Very light colored skin.
I thought she had everything going for herself. Until one day. I went into the office early and found her on the phone. Crying, covered with heavy clothes from head to toe. I waited until she got off the phone to ask her what was wrong. She was embarrassed. She didn’t want to look at me. I got the hint and went back to my desk. However I had grown to love this friend and I could not let her sit and cry without me offering some kind of help. She finally hanged up the phone and I asked what was wrong. She didn’t want to tell me but I was finally able to get it out of her. She told me her husband had a bad temper. And sometimes lost his temper and let it out on her. And that the night before it had happened. Only this time she was pregnant and she was worried something could have happen to the baby.
HIS baby.
I couldn’t quiet understand what was happening. I couldn’t believe a situation that I had only seen in movies was developing in front of my eyes. My brain wasn’t processing this.
She proceeded to pull her pants up and that’s when it hit me. Blue and green spots on her legs, her arms and her back appeared before my eyes. This coward kicked her in places that she could actually cover.
Her cousin said this time she needed to go to the police. She was shaking. I had never seen anyone shake like this before. She feared him so much. He had threatened to kill her if she went to the authorities. She went anyway.
This is how it started. And this is how I became involved.
Days passed and I learned he had gotten out of jail and was living at Joan’s home again. She was washing and ironing his clothes, and basically paying all the bills. Since he had such an “unstable and low paying job” someone had to do it.
Of course the money he made wasn’t enough to support two families at the same time his and his lover’s family. He had been having an affair with this woman for over a year. Which my friend knew about, but tried to “not pay attention” .Every time she confronted him about it he would slap her around a “little bit” so she decided it was best not to mention it. Besides, every time he did, he later apologized. He even cried sometimes. He begged for forgiveness and swore he would “never” do it again. Only that “never” was coming more often than before, and my friend was starting to develop marks in her body that showed it.
She stopped telling me about the almost “everyday” beatings and only told me about the “substantial” ones. Every time I insisted she should leave him. I told her I would be with her every step of the way. But she was afraid. And she had become codependent on him.
The disease:
It’s hard for me to understand that a man that hits a woman is sick in some way.
However I have come to understand that the woman being abused (either verbally or physically) is sick.
Her sickness is called “codependency” they get to a point where they believe everything these cowards tell them: “you not worthy of anyone” “you wouldn’t survive without me” “you are fat and ugly, no one is going to want you” and the list goes on and on, and they start to believe is actually true.
These women believe these lies. They actually think that they are not worthy of better treatment, they start to think that it’s OK to get beaten. It was their fault. They provoked him. They deserved it.
After a while of thinking this way it’s very hard to bestow self confidence in them again. It’s a lot of hard work. But at the end, if you achieve it it’s well worth it. You might have saved a life.
The low point:
Just as alcoholics and drug addicts have to touch bottom to realize they can’t continue living like this; it’s the beating that almost kills them, the one that finally gets some of these women’s attention and gives them the strength to leave their abusers.
I remember 3 incidents in my friend’s life that will always have an impact on my life:
It was a late afternoon in January. When I get a phone call from Joan’s older son. He was 12 at the time. He said “you need to come right away, my dad hit mom so bad she is at the bottom of the stairs and she is bleeding”, I couldn’t hang up the phone fast enough. I wished my car had wings to fly and get there sooner. She was 8 months pregnant and I knew this was not going to be good.
We were able to get to the hospital soon enough for her to make an emergency delivery. She delivered a beautiful baby girl who weight 4 pounds. She spent some time in the incubator and was finally released. She is now a beautiful, smart and strong willed 5 year old girl!
The second incident, I got a phone call from Joan. Early one morning. I knew her so well. I knew from the tone of her voice there was something wrong. I tried to ask what was wrong and suddenly we got cut off. Our boss cared for her so much he even had a security company install a “panic button” in her nightstand. I called the security company and asked them if by any chance that button had been pressed. They said no. However the head of security knew about Joan’s situation so he offered to send someone over to check on her. No answer. I became so nervous. I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t able to find her. I went over to her house, only to find her front door opened and no one inside. I knew something was wrong. As I was driving home she finally calls back (its 10pm) she tells me how her ex husband had kidnapped her and the children and had taken them to a far away farm to beat her up and threaten to kill her if she continued with the divorce procedure. All of this while he children watched.
Of course after this incident she went back to him and dropped all law suits. However rock bottom didn’t take long to hit.
New Year’s Eve. Joan and her kids, aunt and cousins decide to spend New Year’s at a resort at the beach. Her husband shows up. They have an unusual good day but at night the beast gets loose. He starts beating her up for no reason. Next morning she gets up, packs the kids and decides she wants to return home. However he decides they will all return that same day. He gets the kids in the car and starts driving at 100 miles an hour, leaving Joan to ride in the car behind.
Joan is watching from behind how this maniac is driving her children to a possible accident.
They get home. Were he proceeds to beat her even more. This time her family is in the house and they all try to get in and help. However he ends up beating everyone, including an older aunt.
He finally leaves the house at the threat that they are calling the authorities.
She leaves the house.
Finally she realizes that this is it. She needs to leave him before he kills her.
She hides in a relative’s house. Then one day when we know he is not home, we go and pack everything. The house is a mess. He has cut her underwear into tiny little pieces. He wrote on all mirrors and bedroom walls “I’m going to kill you bitch” with red lipstick. He trashed her car, sliced her tires and car interiors.
However all of this only gave us proof on the civil law suit we later filed.
She rented a house. We filed all possible law suits. And up to date have won every one of them. She is now legally divorced. Her children are growing up in a healthy environment. Her little girl is too young to remember any of it. Joan is genuinely happy and has recovered her life. He on the other hand was found guilty of battery and is now serving 4 years in prison. Sole custody of the children was given to Joan, and guess who is afraid of coming near her again? That’s right, she has the power now. This is a success story. This is a story that shows it CAN be done. You don’t have to keep putting up with it. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment. You can do it.
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