Relationships dos and dont's

Wouldn’t it be great if we came with an instructions manual for all of our life events?
How do we know if we are doing the right thing?
How do we know that this way is better than the other way?
Well there are no written guidelines to relationships. All we have is what people have experienced in the past and how we can learn from that.

Therefore I have come up with relationship DO’S and DONT’S from personal experience and from what others have shared with me:

DO’S:

Have you ever heard: “every mind is a world”?
It’s very true. Everyone is different; however we all like to feel good about ourselves. We all like feeling loved, and cared for. We all like feeling we are worthy.
It’s a basic rule of life “treat each other as you would like to be treated”, and “don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want others to do to you”.

If you follow these basic rules, you will discover a whole new universe of ways of having a good and healthy relationship.
There’s nothing better than to put yourself in the other persons’ shoes.

Relationships have a hidden concept in their meaning, and that is “commitment”.
The word commitment sounds more complicated than what really means. And this is, basically following the rules I just mentioned.
You have to be committed to treat your significant other in ways you would like to be treated. With love, respect, honesty, understanding. These are to my opinion the 4 basic pillars of a good and lasting relationship.
If you are able to manage these 4 elements and have your other half live by them too, you are in for the best relationship you’ve ever had.

Start slowly. Next time you are about to have a fight, just think what would you expect from your loved one if it had been you who made a mistake.




DONT’S

People sometimes have the misconception that “commitment” means doing everything your loved one wants you to do, and changing everything he/her wants you to change.

This is NOT love.
Real and true love means accepting each other as they are.
This means that no changes to your basic essence are required. That you are loved for the way you are.
If you find yourself in a relationship where your loved one has asked you to change aspects that make you who you are, it’s time to make a stop and go over the reasons of why you are together.

No one has a right to change who you are.
As I mentioned before this goes under the pillar of RESPECT. True love means respecting who you are and loving you that way. However in order for someone else to love you the way you are, you need to love yourself first. It is amazing how our love for ourselves projects to others. So start by that.

Don’t allow anyone to raise their voice at you, and therefore don’t do it yourself. The first time you yell or get yelled at and allow it, opens the door to more disrespect, which could later end in physical abuse.

If you believe your significant other lies to you most of the time, it’s also a time for a change. No one should be in a relationship with someone who they can’t trust. Trust is a VERY important element of a relationship. You both need to establish that in order to have a healthy relationship you need to trust each other and the only way to achieve this is by being honest.

So to conclude, have a relationship where you can be yourself, and treat each other the way you want to be treated. Follow the 4 basic pillars to a healthy relationship and if you are currently in a relationship that doesn’t have any of these aspects… get out now!

Physical Abuse

If you think this only happens in the movies you are wrong.
There’s probably someone you know who is suffering from this.
I have always thought this would never happen to me. That I would never allow a man to raise a hand at me.
However it happen to my best friend, and therefore it hit very close to home. It did happen to me.

I met Joan when I worked as a “temp” for an airline.
The first time I saw her I thought she was an amazing person. So full of life, so funny, every second of the day she spent it in a very good mood. We laughed together all day long. Very smart and hard working.

A petit size woman. Being 5 months pregnant with her second child, she didn’t weigh more than 100 pounds. Very light colored skin.

I thought she had everything going for herself. Until one day. I went into the office early and found her on the phone. Crying, covered with heavy clothes from head to toe. I waited until she got off the phone to ask her what was wrong. She was embarrassed. She didn’t want to look at me. I got the hint and went back to my desk. However I had grown to love this friend and I could not let her sit and cry without me offering some kind of help. She finally hanged up the phone and I asked what was wrong. She didn’t want to tell me but I was finally able to get it out of her. She told me her husband had a bad temper. And sometimes lost his temper and let it out on her. And that the night before it had happened. Only this time she was pregnant and she was worried something could have happen to the baby.
HIS baby.
I couldn’t quiet understand what was happening. I couldn’t believe a situation that I had only seen in movies was developing in front of my eyes. My brain wasn’t processing this.

She proceeded to pull her pants up and that’s when it hit me. Blue and green spots on her legs, her arms and her back appeared before my eyes. This coward kicked her in places that she could actually cover.
Her cousin said this time she needed to go to the police. She was shaking. I had never seen anyone shake like this before. She feared him so much. He had threatened to kill her if she went to the authorities. She went anyway.

This is how it started. And this is how I became involved.

Days passed and I learned he had gotten out of jail and was living at Joan’s home again. She was washing and ironing his clothes, and basically paying all the bills. Since he had such an “unstable and low paying job” someone had to do it.
Of course the money he made wasn’t enough to support two families at the same time his and his lover’s family. He had been having an affair with this woman for over a year. Which my friend knew about, but tried to “not pay attention” .Every time she confronted him about it he would slap her around a “little bit” so she decided it was best not to mention it. Besides, every time he did, he later apologized. He even cried sometimes. He begged for forgiveness and swore he would “never” do it again. Only that “never” was coming more often than before, and my friend was starting to develop marks in her body that showed it.

She stopped telling me about the almost “everyday” beatings and only told me about the “substantial” ones. Every time I insisted she should leave him. I told her I would be with her every step of the way. But she was afraid. And she had become codependent on him.

The disease:

It’s hard for me to understand that a man that hits a woman is sick in some way.
However I have come to understand that the woman being abused (either verbally or physically) is sick.
Her sickness is called “codependency” they get to a point where they believe everything these cowards tell them: “you not worthy of anyone” “you wouldn’t survive without me” “you are fat and ugly, no one is going to want you” and the list goes on and on, and they start to believe is actually true.
These women believe these lies. They actually think that they are not worthy of better treatment, they start to think that it’s OK to get beaten. It was their fault. They provoked him. They deserved it.

After a while of thinking this way it’s very hard to bestow self confidence in them again. It’s a lot of hard work. But at the end, if you achieve it it’s well worth it. You might have saved a life.


The low point:
Just as alcoholics and drug addicts have to touch bottom to realize they can’t continue living like this; it’s the beating that almost kills them, the one that finally gets some of these women’s attention and gives them the strength to leave their abusers.

I remember 3 incidents in my friend’s life that will always have an impact on my life:
It was a late afternoon in January. When I get a phone call from Joan’s older son. He was 12 at the time. He said “you need to come right away, my dad hit mom so bad she is at the bottom of the stairs and she is bleeding”, I couldn’t hang up the phone fast enough. I wished my car had wings to fly and get there sooner. She was 8 months pregnant and I knew this was not going to be good.
We were able to get to the hospital soon enough for her to make an emergency delivery. She delivered a beautiful baby girl who weight 4 pounds. She spent some time in the incubator and was finally released. She is now a beautiful, smart and strong willed 5 year old girl!

The second incident, I got a phone call from Joan. Early one morning. I knew her so well. I knew from the tone of her voice there was something wrong. I tried to ask what was wrong and suddenly we got cut off. Our boss cared for her so much he even had a security company install a “panic button” in her nightstand. I called the security company and asked them if by any chance that button had been pressed. They said no. However the head of security knew about Joan’s situation so he offered to send someone over to check on her. No answer. I became so nervous. I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t able to find her. I went over to her house, only to find her front door opened and no one inside. I knew something was wrong. As I was driving home she finally calls back (its 10pm) she tells me how her ex husband had kidnapped her and the children and had taken them to a far away farm to beat her up and threaten to kill her if she continued with the divorce procedure. All of this while he children watched.

Of course after this incident she went back to him and dropped all law suits. However rock bottom didn’t take long to hit.

New Year’s Eve. Joan and her kids, aunt and cousins decide to spend New Year’s at a resort at the beach. Her husband shows up. They have an unusual good day but at night the beast gets loose. He starts beating her up for no reason. Next morning she gets up, packs the kids and decides she wants to return home. However he decides they will all return that same day. He gets the kids in the car and starts driving at 100 miles an hour, leaving Joan to ride in the car behind.
Joan is watching from behind how this maniac is driving her children to a possible accident.
They get home. Were he proceeds to beat her even more. This time her family is in the house and they all try to get in and help. However he ends up beating everyone, including an older aunt.
He finally leaves the house at the threat that they are calling the authorities.

She leaves the house.
Finally she realizes that this is it. She needs to leave him before he kills her.
She hides in a relative’s house. Then one day when we know he is not home, we go and pack everything. The house is a mess. He has cut her underwear into tiny little pieces. He wrote on all mirrors and bedroom walls “I’m going to kill you bitch” with red lipstick. He trashed her car, sliced her tires and car interiors.
However all of this only gave us proof on the civil law suit we later filed.

She rented a house. We filed all possible law suits. And up to date have won every one of them. She is now legally divorced. Her children are growing up in a healthy environment. Her little girl is too young to remember any of it. Joan is genuinely happy and has recovered her life. He on the other hand was found guilty of battery and is now serving 4 years in prison. Sole custody of the children was given to Joan, and guess who is afraid of coming near her again? That’s right, she has the power now. This is a success story. This is a story that shows it CAN be done. You don’t have to keep putting up with it. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment. You can do it.

A daughter's story

There’s a special bond between father and daughter.
I not only believe it, I lived it.

Ever since I was a little girl, the bond with my dad was the most special thing in my life. As every little girl my dad was my hero. There wasn’t anything my dad couldn’t do. Superman? Move over…my dad is even stronger than you.
Everything my heart desired I had.

I remember I had a classmate at school. I was about 8 years old. Her parents were getting a divorce. So he father tried to make it up to her by buying her all of the “Hello Kitty” things she wanted.
I would get home from school and immediately call my dad. I would describe him what new item my friend had taken to school that day. From the color of the cap of the tiny little marker to the eraser that had “Hello Kitty” plastered on it. It didn’t take more than an hour for the company’s messenger to ring the bell to my house and give my days present.
This went on for the entire school year.

I had the most loving father anyone could ask for. I got all the hugs and kisses that I wanted and more. I remember how his eyes lit every time I would go into a room. Even if he had seen me 5 minutes ago. The light was always there.

My teen age years were as normal as any teen ager. You get embarrassed with stupid things like when your parents kiss you in public. However I was embarrassed of my dad for a much bigger reason. He was an alcoholic. Not the type that you find on a bench at the park. The type that was a successful business man that provided good for his family. The type that was a workaholic.

All of a sudden the hero form just a few years before becomes your life’s biggest concern.

However his love and kind nature never disappeared. He continued to be the most loving father anyone could have. So much so he became the patriarch of our family. My cousins, my nieces, even some of my friends would come to him for any type of advice. He was adored by everyone.

He finally went into treatment and stopped drinking. And our relationship bloomed.
He became my best friend. My dad was actually my best friend.
There was no topic of conversation that we couldn’t talk about.
And not only that, I actually enjoyed talking to him and getting his views on things that were happening in my life.

My dad and I had our special ritual. We had “our night out”. Every Thursday I would pick him up at the office, being the workaholic he was; his Thursday agenda had nothing after 7pm. except me.
We would go out to dinner, and then we would go bar hopping.
I had my first drink with my dad. He taught me how I should never get drunk and how a woman lost all of her femininity when she did. At first my guy friends couldn’t believe my dad had to “babysit me” or “control me” to the point of following me to bars. I was 20 years old. How absurd was that? When I explained that we were out partying together they started to get to know him more. They loved him.
Everyone was welcome at my house. And everyone had to meet my parents. And everyone agreed they were great.

He was my biggest supporter in everything I did. As long as I was happy. He always told me I could do anything.
He taught me the value of “my word”. He always said no written contract was as valuable as giving your word and keeping it.
He was a gentleman.
He taught me how to work. How to be proud of my accomplishments and celebrate them
He also taught me that I was a privileged human being, and therefore was never to consider myself “more or less than anyone else”. We were all equal human beings.

He was my best friend. He was my world. He was my favorite clown. Every day he would wake me up with a new joke. And always made me laugh. He was my hero again.

He passed away 6 years ago. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of him. However our bond was so strong that it has kept on going even after his passing. I still have my regular visits with him in my dreams. I talk to him almost every day, and deep down in my heart I can hear him answer.
I am now a parent myself and unfortunately he didn’t get to meet his granddaughter. However she is so much like him in many ways.

I think I turned out ok. I was blessed. My mom is now my best friend. My relationship with her has grown. I still miss my dad. But now instead of sharing a tear every time I think of him, I try to remember those wonderful lessons he taught me so that I can pass them on to my daughter, and can only hope that my baby one day considers me her best friend.

For you dads out there, the best advice I can give you is to become your children’s best friend. Your relationship will be great and almost guaranteed that they will follow your good advice.

For you daughters our there, who still have the privilege and blessing of having your dads, give them a chance. Get to know them. Listen to their advice. These are the people that love you more than anyone in the world. They will never advice you on anything that could harm you. These are the people that would actually die for you if they had to.

Can you forgive your man if he cheats on you?

This is the million dollar question!
Can you change a man into what you want him to be or think he should be?
Can you change his habits?

Many women have an over developed maternal instinct. They think they can save anyone and help them improve themselves.

They are actually think they are a magnet for men who are dysfunctional in some way because they think they can save them from whatever is happening to them.

However this is NOT true.

If you are one of those women who have been involved with men with hard life issues and wonder why do you attract men like this into your life, the answer is: you don’t. It’s YOU who gravitates towards men with grave issues.

You need to understand that no one can change a person who doesn’t want to change.

These cases are more clearly with men that are alcoholics, abusers, or drug addicts.
We think we can save them. Show them the light and if they only knew what we could show them, they would change.

Well…if this is the way you think, you are wrong.
You are in for a big life disappointment and you should have a change of mind.

No one changes unless they want to change. This is something you can’t convince anyone to do.
It’s a different story when a person wants to change and asks for your help. In this case is very proper of you to help and be there for him while he endures in such a hard journey.

This also applies to women who think that once they marry a guy, they will be able to change the horrible habit of… (Fill in the blank).
You need to know that you are no one’s savior. If you don’t like someone’s conduct or habit, all you can do is tell them how it bother’s you and examine yourself to understand if this is something you can live with or not.

But most importantly understand that you will not change him. He needs to want to change.

Long distance relationships, do they really work?

It seems that with all the developing technology at our disposal, long distance relationships shouldn’t be that difficult to manage.
But are they? and why?

It basically depends on people’s personalities and how bad you want it to work.

For some people a long distance relationship is the perfect romantic type of relationship.
If you are a person with a very demanding job, who doesn’t have the time to keep a normal relationship, if you have too many things to take care of , but is still looking for someone to love them and care for them and have an interest in them, this is the perfect relationship.
You see each other eventually. Every time you are together, you have a wonderful honeymoon because you both embrace what little time you get to spend together and don’t want to waste it on stupid arguments or fights.
However in order for this relationship to work, both of you need to be on the same channel, on the same frequency, and have the same expectations.
This of course will develop later on into another type of relationship and could end up in marriage even.

This is when it starts getting a little more difficult because you never had a chance to see the “other side” of your loved one. Your first fights will arise over stupid things like forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste. These fights are normal because you never had a chance to get to know each other on a different level.

It will take time to get to know each other and accept each other’s flaws. But you can make it work. Even though you are apart most of the time, let your loved one how important it is to be honest with each other. Have real conversations about topics that are important in your life.

On the other hand, if you are a “high maintenance” person, who needs constant attention, constant demonstrations of love, if you want your significant other to be a part of every aspect of your life, this is NOT the relationship for you.

It will become a very hard relationship to manage. Odds are you will end up hating each other and hurting each other in ways you never meant it.
Geography makes it impossible to accommodate your necessities.
Be smart and know yourself first before you commit to a long distance relationship that could end up hurting you and losing a person that might be worth having as a part of your life in some other aspect.

Who knows? Things might eventually change and what kept you from entering a relationship in the first place may change and you can have a really good change at it once it’s been resolved.

Lies married men tell you

If you are in a relationship with a married man and you think he might leave your wife for you, you are mistaken.
Only 3% of married men leave their wives for their mistress.
Here are some lines (or lies) that these men will tell you in order to keep you around.
Chances are he does love you and likes you, but not enough to break up his family.

If you are too familiar with my next list, it’s time to run away.
Otherwise you will continue in a relationship that will take you no where except kill your self esteem and your potential chances of having a real relationship.

I don’t love my wife. We are going thru a hard time and I will soon be separating. That’s a LIE. Men don’t advertise leaving home to the other woman. If they are really in a bad relationship, most of them just find a place to go and leave. This is the type of conversation they have with their wives, but this is the line where they get you hooked, because you do believe that this is going to happen. Warning: Don’t believe it. If he means it, wait until he actually does it and then start dating him.

I am sleeping in another room. LIE. Again, most men do have a place to go if they decide to leave. Don’t fall for it.

I’m not with you for the sex. LIE. Remember men think differently. They seek sex and they fall in love out of sex. Women are different. Women crave attention and someone who will treat them well. They know this. You will get treated like no one has treated you before….but you will pay a high price for it.


It’s complicated. There are a lot of things we need to figure out financially. LIE. What he means is that he can’t leave her or doesn’t want to leave her because there is a lot at stake money wise.

I will be leaving her in… (fill in the blank) LIE. This is usually the lie they use when you are pulling away. Again, if he wanted to leave her, he would have done it a long time ago. He doesn’t have to wait for a certain date to pass. The pain he will cause his family it’s the same in January as it will be in September. Before a birthday or after one. Don’t fall for it. You will just keep getting emotionally involved.

AND THE WINNER OF THEM ALL: I ’m only in the marriage for the kids: Although kids are an important fact to any parent, men who really leave their wives rarely take kids into account. Most of them are barely home. So it really wouldn’t make a difference if they see them every weekend. They use their children as an excuse.

Learn to love yourself

Have you ever wondered how a certain person got that self esteem you admire so much? Why she carries herself with so much confidence? How does she do it?

Well, unfortunately we live in an era where we think beauty is looking like an anorexic run way model, being a millionaire and wearing designer clothes or driving the latest and most expensive car.
But think about that for a minute. If you had that, would it change the way you feel about yourself?
You might be tempted to say “yes”…however it’s not true.

You could have everything your heart desires, but if you don’t love yourself first, there’s absolutely nothing that could give you that self worth.

Self worth is a concept we all need to work on some time in our lives.
We live in a society. We are not eremites, therefore at a time or another in our lives we might have come in contact with someone who hurt us, and hurt our self esteem more than we give it credit for.
It could’ve been done by a parent, at school, by a friend, a relative, etc.
It really doesn’t matter who did it. What matters is what you are willing to do to change how you feel about yourself and prove to everyone how wrong they were about you.

HOW TO DO IT

Start by doing a self examination of yourself.
What is it about yourself that you hate more? Why? Is this something you can change? And the answer to this is YES. No matter what it is you can change it.
You might be thinking I’m crazy if I think that you can change your nose for i.e. you might not be able to change it physically, but you are able to change how you perceive it and how you think of it.

In order to change anything about yourself you need to identify it.
Once you have done this, think of how you have affected your own life by thinking the way you have.
No one likes to be miserable. But no one has the power to change that in our life, but you. No one can do that for you, except you.

Those people you admire for their self esteem is because they project that.
You can be admired too. Once you love yourself and start projecting that. However if you continue down the path of feeling sorry for yourself, that’s exactly what you will project.

If you are fat, skinny, big nose, little nose, big feet, long hair, short hair, having financial difficulties, driving a beat up car, etc …who cares.

Love yourself for what you are. Identify your qualities instead of your flaws. Concentrate on those and making them available to everyone instead of showing them your insecurities.

THINK POSITIVE

Its amazing how our way of thinking can change who we are and what we become.
We all have had a time in our lives when we think there’s no way out.
We feel trapped and we start thinking and asking “why me”? Change that question as to, “what can I learn from this”, “How can I get out of this”.

Our mind is an incredible creative source. We all have it. Even if you are feeling so down and think you are not capable of doing anything for yourself, the minute you change that thought and get up and do it, your life will change.

We attract the negative things we think. If we think we are worthless, useless, ugly, have no personality and basically good for nothing; this is what most likely we will be. As you continue to think like this, you are caving a deeper and deeper hole that will later will make it almost impossible to crawl out of.

However if you start changing the way you think about yourself, when you start believing that you are capable, when you set yourself goals and gradually start to achieve them, your self esteem grows. And you realize the sky is the limit. And that the only person who had been limiting you, was yourself.

SETTING GOALS

It sounds so professional and almost impossible to do, doesn’t it?
Well it’s easier than you think.

After you have started thinking positive about yourself, loving what you hated more about yourself, start establishing short term and achievable goals. Start small, but positive. As you start achieving them, you will realize your strength within, and will start setting higher goals that will later take you where you want to go.

So start today. Start thinking positive. Change the way you look at yourself, and you will see how your life starts changing for good. Just give it a try. You have nothing to loose.